Poor Chuka Umunna is the victim of a vile stitch-up
In fact, the suave Opposition business spokesman featured in two separate internet-related tales. The more minor one concerned his entry of seven years ago on Asmallword, an enviably exclusive social networking site for the few, not the many (though it charitably sets aside an overflow section, Abigworld, for us plebs), about the horrors of the London club scene in the mid-Nineties. For asking fellow members to advise him where he might avoid the trash and C-list wannabes infesting nightclubs rendered dclass to his glacially cool self by their cheesy vibe, Mr Umunna issued a heartfelt apology. He justly pointed out that we all do silly things when young (he was 27 at the time), and that he never claimed to be a saint.
One is that he was lying, and that by underlining the clich about the cover-up doing infinitely more damage than the original offence, the president to whom he might more convincingly be likened becomes Richard M Nixon. However, noting his George Washington-esque honesty in fessing up to the trash remark, we may safely rule out this distasteful theory.
Another is that, at a precocious 34, Mr Umunna is challenging for a Guinness record as the countrys youngest victim of early-onset Alzheimers, or other memory-destroying form of dementia. Given his ability to memorise his friend Ed Milibands lines to take on the business issues of the day, this seems equally outlandish.
The third explanation is not only entirely plausible, on the other hand, but suggests a more precise comparison with an earlier Democratic president. It is my overwhelming belief that Chuka Umunna is the victim of what Hillary Clinton called a vast, Right-wing conspiracy that a cabal of unseen forces, foreseeing even before he became the MP for Streatham that he would one day rise to obliterate the Conservatives, hacked his computer to sow the seeds for the career-threatening humiliation we see in luscious bloom today.
This may sound like paranoid delusion, yet there is a strong precedent for long-term planning of the type, and one that takes us back to the current president. As Donald Trump and others of sound mind have pointed out, Barack Obama was a newborn baby in Mombasa when his parents, anticipating that 46 years later he would run for the White House, placed birth notices in Hawaiian papers. Is it one iota less credible that the enemies of Umunna set out to ruin his path to the leadership of Britain by framing him than that the infant Obamas family falsified the records to clear his path to the Oval Office? I think not.
As so often, suspicion will fall on the security services. If only Sir Helenus, who investigated Kim Philby, was still around to clear his grandsons name. In his absence, it may never be established who framed Chuka Umunna, and set him up to become the Icarus of the Labour front bench.
He has certainly flown too close to The Sun, which yesterday carried a picture of the snobby Umunnas gleaming 1 million residence on Ibiza the party island to which the Vengaboys told us, in their cheesy-vibed number one hit, they were going. Perhaps he would be wise to seek sanctuary there for a while, far from the trash, and let those melting wings cool off. The propertys name is Casa Blanca, by the way, and who would be so cruel as to inflame Chuka Umunnas hatred of a certain comparison by translating that?
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Poor Chuka Umunna is the victim of a vile stitch-up