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Humans of 2016, I cannot let go of you just like that this year, yet. I HAVE to talk to you about the single most important life skill that all of you must possess no matter where in the world you go and whatever in life you end up doing - The art of cleaning your toilet.

Especially unmarried boys, I know you are very busy wondering ki what the hell more you should do to get that girl in your life because you have tried everything that any human being can do and still the girl is not impressed. What to do yaar? They are like that only.

And especially unmarried ladies who know everything that the boy is doing to impress them and yet are feeling shy and not telling him means what to do again? Life is tough only. But its ok, this kind of small things will eventually sort themselves out. But what you really have to put in effort for is learning how to clean your toilet. Boss Im telling you, this will save your life many times and you will thank me later.

It will all happen in a flash. One moment you are thinking ki oh boss thank god, today is Sunday, means I dont have to move my bottoms even one millimeter haiya jolly and then next second your spouse will say those dreadful words - Today we are cleaning the toilet.

I have to tell you upfront that there are few things in life that have a better warning mechanism than this. Tsunami, earthquake, volcanic eruption, parents arriving when you are about to watch adult-only movies etc., for e.g. When these magic words are uttered in the house means there is no going back. You can try to wriggle out of it and all by saying 'Not today I am busy but you have to give satisfactory answer to the next question 'Doing what? Having failed to come up with a suitable 2-mark answer, you have to get going immediately.

Now, if you are having a lucky or a lazy background means all your life such kind of things like cleaning your toilet will be outsourced to a third party or insourced to a parent party because in your family when nobody trusts your non-core competency (eating, drinking, sleeping) itself then how will they trust you with core competency jobs like keeping the house clean etc? So now, you only have to get your hands dirty (no, stop thinking puns.)

So now I am going to guide you step-by-step on how to clean your toilet and thereby earn good name in the household.

First of all, you have to pour water all over the place. It is ok even if you pour water in the toilet. Avoid putting water on the walls because now you are being adhigaprasangi and nobody asked you to clean the walls.

The health-faucet (HF) is your friend. Make it your best friend. I know we all have love-hate relationship with health faucet, depending on the amount of psi it delivers on your back entrance at the most unexpected moment, but trust me, if you use it properly, it will make your life a lot easy. Use the HF to generously spray water all over the place. (Caution: This can get too much fun and distract you from your mission.)

So now you have have properly prepped the place. Excellent. Take a break. (But make sure nobody sees you taking the break.)

Now proceed to clear the entire area from having any obstructions, like bucket, mug, washing machine hose (those darn things are a menace) etc. Wait, this should have been done first, but its ok, just throw them out or place them on your head or something and keep the floor clear.

Next is the important part. You have to pick up a bottle of Harpic. Yes, that very same liquid they sell on TV when you are eating dinner and want to watch something decent. Take that bottle. Yes, you will be tempted to spend the next two hours admiring the ingenuity of the design of the bottle, but dont. Time is of the essence. You are competing against a pro here.

Remove the bottle cap and stick the nozzle of the bottle under the secret compartment in the WC. Secret compartment = where the water comes from.

Hold the bottle firmly in the middle section (bottles middle section), fill up your lungs to capacity, and squeeze the bottle firmly. Now depending on its mood (and the amount of liquid left inside) the bottle will dispense either a very-generous quantity (i.e. you will have a obese blue monster splattered on your WC) or just bubbled blue air. Eitherway something will come out of the bottle.

Next is the tricky part. You have to keep squeezing bottle and draw a circle around the WC with circumference equal to D (D is the inner-dia of the WC). This sounds more easy than it actually is. Heres what will happen. The Harpic bottle will suddenly make friends with the WC and refuse to move an inch. They dont meet often in your toilet and so they will want to spend some time together. Precisely at this moment, you will spot your spouse with her palm firmly planted on their forehead in disappointment and convince you to vacate the premises immediately. But dont. You are too far in this now to give up. You HAVE to stick to your guns and see this through. If the bottle gets stuck, just trace its path backwards and then go forward again. That will do the trick.

Question: How will you know if you have done the job right? Answer: You will now see many thin runny blue monsters racing towards the water in the WC and disappear into the abyss.

Next, take the cleaning brush. Pause. Ask yourself if this is the right brush. If your answer is yes, then you are wrong. Ask the spouse if that is the right brush. They will confirm your wrongness and tell you that this is a different brush to clean the wash basin. Put that brush down and pick up right brush.

Grip the brush tightly and attack. Go all out brushing all over the place. Under the secret compartment, under the toilet seat, inside the water, into the abyss (yuck, I know, but there is no time for sentiment right now), brush until you think you have done justice to all the abuse you have put this WC through.

Pause.

Think about your life choices. Realize that you have been a failure in everything you do. Bring out all the negativity in you and lay it out on top of the blue mess inside the WC. Contemplate for a moment. Look deep into the abyss of the WC that your life has become. Ok enough. Snap out to reality.

Hold your breath and pull down the flush. Watch it all get washed away and smile at your masterpiece. A spic and span WC. White and beautiful, returned to its original glory. Ready to be used and abused all over again.

Until the spouse comes and inspects it. And requests you to please not try this again and asks you to step out and says from next time, she will do it herself instead of letting you do such a shoddy job.

Back away from the area very carefully, slowly and (most important) silently. Go back to contemplating your choices and think about how you can have a better 2017.

May your new year be as sparkling and beautiful as a newly cleaned toilet.

Have a laughter filled 2017!

Read more from the original source:
The Local Tea Party