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Fake-News "Exclusive"**: Over the weekend, I obtained a tape of a conversation between two Republican senators, one an obscure back-bencher and the other a prominent defender of the president and a regular TV presence. I transcribed it yesterday.

I dont know, ol buddy. Im really starting to waver.

Waver? Why?

Wellthat Times story last Friday. I saw what you said publicly. But you and I both know there wasnt a single false word in that whole story. We sat next to each other in that briefing.

So? What of it?

And now this DJ IG report isnt gonna say what we wanted. Strzok was telling the truth.

Ive known that all along. But one more time: What of it?

Well were lying! And were helping Russia!

Look at me while I say this to you, and I will speak slowly: The president is a reformer. He was only interested in Ukraine reforming its judicial system, and once that was accomplished to his satisfaction, he released

Oh, come on, you can say that on Fox, but weve known each other 30 years. Dont blow that smoke up my ass, pal.

the aid to the government, now run by a true reformer who happens to be an ally of the President of the United States, the greatest reformer of them all.

Oh come off it. Were helping Russia. Were helping goddamn Putin! Im starting to get spooked by it. The other night I had one of those dreams where youre back in college and its finals week and you havent gone to class all semester and you show up for the final totally unprepared and wearing your underpants, you know the one?

Have it all the time.

Well, in this one, Putin was the professor! And he was laughing at me hysterically, maniacally! I have your balls in a sack, he kept saying. Except he was speaking Russian, so I dont know how I knew thats what he was saying, but somehow I did, cuz, you know, dreams.

Theyre weird that way. But look. Shake it off. We need you to be strong.

Im trying. But the guy is indefensible. You know that. We all know that. Hes a fucking criminal. Hes guilty. Hes guilty of it all.

I know that.

What? You know that? You say the opposite every day on TV.

Thats correct. And if television bothered to ask you, you would say exactly the same thing. You know why?

Why?

Here are some things Donald Trump is not guilty of. Hes not guilty of raising taxes. Hes not guilty of socialism. Hes not guilty of wanting to give health care to people who havent earned it.

Cuz here are some things Donald Trump is not guilty of. Hes not guilty of raising taxes. Hes not guilty of socialism. Hes not guilty of wanting to give health care to people who havent earned it. Hes not guilty of putting liberal judges on the federal bench wholl rule that everybody and their brother can vote and that David Koch cant buy Congress. Hes not guilty of trying to kill coal and oil. Need me to go on?

I get you, I get you. But I dont know. There has to be a limit, doesnt there?

Let me explain something to you. Ask yourself this. If he loses, who wins?

Well, if its Biden, Joes not so bad. At least we know hes an honest guy. Even Elizabeth Im against everything she wants. Ideologically she scares the hell out of me. But shes a nice enough person, a non-horrible human being. And well block everything she wants to do anyway, I mean well just steamroll the shit out of her, and shell get nothing done and the left will be demoralized and well take back the House in 22 and the White House in 24, so whats so bad about that?

Im not even talking about the presidency. Thats important, sure. But youve gotta think bigger. Nancy Pelosi wins. Abortionists win. The gays win. The New York Times wins. CNN wins. MSNBC wins. Rachel Maddow wins.

I know, but

And who loses? You know who loses. You lose. I lose. Good patriotic Americans lose. The military loses.

The military! Mr. Fucking Bone Spurs!

Irrelevant. Jesus Christ loses.

Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ!

Yes. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christs fortunes depend on a guy who fucks porn stars and lies about it?

Exactly! Now youre starting to get it! Lookit. Were at war. And in war, the ends justify the means. And the best mean of all is propaganda. Indoctrination. Works every time. I mean, how we got those dumbass evangelicals to buy into this guyso much easier than I thought it would be!

Im just telling you. My conscience is getting to me. I might vote to convict, if Mitch releases me.

Uh-huh. Let me ask you a question. You just started your fourth term. Thinkin about retiring, I hear.

Thinking about it.

Talking to some K Street folks, as I understand it.

You have some big ears there.

There aint no secrets in this town.

Apparently not.

Yes, thats a nice life. Nice life. What, six, seven hundred thousand to start, before distributions?

Bout that.

Id hate to see something disrupt that. I mean, Id hate to see you exposed as being a puppet of... George Soros.

George Soros? I wouldnt know him if he walked in this room!

And thats exactly how sneaky people like Soros want it.

But you wouldnt

No. I wouldnt. Im your friend. But not everybodys as nice as I am

**Obviously, this is not a real dialogue. Two senators wouldnt talk this way. But the reason they wouldnt talk this way is not that the above doesnt contain truth. No, the reason they wouldnt talk this way is that they dont need to. Its all understood.

Theres a quote from an old Boston ward-heeler named Martin Lomasney that is the greatest political quote ever: Never write if you can speak; never speak if you can nod; never nod if you can wink. I doubt Republicans speak to one another very much about Trump. They nod and they wink. And theyre nodding and winking democracy into oblivion.

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What Do Republicans Say to Each Other in Private? - The Daily Beast