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Dear Civilities: Im a gay Republican, and am often confronted by my gay friends during election season. They wonder how I could be part of a political party that, in their eyes, condemns homosexuality. Ive alienated myself from a lot of friends over this topic and its hurt a lot of my relationships. Whats the best way for me to explain that my conservative views on small government, low taxation and a strong national defense outweigh anything else? Also, how do I explain that gay marriage should be supported by true conservatives, and that religious fanatics dont represent true conservatism? Joe R. City and state withheld

A: Your friends are not the only ones who consider the phrase gay Republican to be a mystery, if not an oxymoron. I can certainly understand why theyd challenge your membership in a political party that as late as 2012 resoundingly approved a party platform banning same-sex marriage. But politics often makes strange bedfellows. If you and your friends are willing to engage in civil debate about this, I think you can find common ground.

For starters, remind them of Ted Olson, the attorney who successfully represented George W. Bush in Bush v. Gore before the Supreme Court, and then went on to become Bushs solicitor general. Today Olson is widely heralded as the Republican architect of the successful fight to overturn Californias Prop. 8, which banned same-sex marriage.

Olson, who is straight, has no problem reconciling his conservative politics with his pro-marriage stance. As he told NPR in 2010: If you are a conservative, how could you be against a relationship in which people who love one another want to publicly state their vows ... and engage in a household in which they are committed to one another and become part of the community and accepted like other people?

Of course, theres more to this issue than support for marriage equality, and nearly all of the hundreds of gay men and women who posted on my Facebook page in response to your question acknowledged feelings similar to those of your alienated friends. Wrote one, summing up the antipathy directed at the GOP: I could never reconcile the [Republican] partys basic disregard for human rights, and especially towards me as a gay man. That, my friend, is the common decency that outweighed all others for me. I cant be part of a group who cannot understand freedom for all.

For some perspective I called Pennsylvania Democratic Rep. Brian Sims, the first out LGBT state legislator in Pennsylvania, who acknowledged that its really easy for that vitriolic point of view to be among the first responses. But he also cited several Republicans who support LGBT issues, notably Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) Last year at Simss urging Toomey voted in favor of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), a cornerstone of LGBT civil rights legislation. Sims praised the senator in a statement: Senator Toomeys vote in support of ENDA shows that a conservative ideology and support for LGBT equality are not mutually exclusive.

Sims also noted in the interview with me that the tide is turning among young Republicans. According to a recent Pew Study, 61 percent of young Republicans now support same-sex marriage. Let your friends know that, too.

But how you tell them makes all the difference. Saying your support of small government, low taxation and a strong national defense outweighs anything else is needlessly insensitive and combative. How could you expect them to respond civilly to such a polarizing shot across the bow? Instead, why not say first that you believe in a government that protects the rights of all people, and that we need members of both parties to support LGBT equality? Explain how youre helping to make that change happen within the GOP. Dont forget to remind them of instances in which Democrats have also failed LGBT people. (After all, it was Bill Clinton who signed the Defense of Marriage Act and implemented the dont ask, dont tell military policy.)

Humor goes a long way in these situations as well. According to Gregory Angelo, the executive director of Log Cabin Republicans (which states its mission is to advance the interests of the gay and lesbian community within the Republican Party): The difference between deriding someone for their political beliefs and merely teasing them is often all it takes to turn a disintegrating friendship into a long-lasting one. In other words, try responding to a friends challenge with a smile, not a slam.

When I asked Angelo how he preserves his gay friendships outside the party, he laughed and said: Often what allows my friends from the other side of the aisle and I to get along is to focus on anything but politics when were together. It is possible. Even in Washington.

Read more here:
A gay Republican, finding his party is ruining his friendships, seeks help