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As a father of three children, Ive been drinking from the fire hose for a while now when it comes to collecting and sharing nuggets of wisdom that will (hopefully) serve them well as they become adults.

May the self-proclaimed people of reason and science be praised! What a tour de force of truth they offer us on a daily basis. Like the following five life lessons I want to make sure I nail down with my princess before I send her off into the world:

1. If you are ever photographed while on your knees, and a male of the leftist persuasion makes a sexual joke about you, make sure to publicly apologize for having put your feet up on the White House couch in the first place. I mean, sometimes you are just asking for it. Unless you pose partially topless while endorsing a classic childrens fairy tale. Then thats just art. And besides, real sexual harassment looks like not wanting to fund Planned Parenthood. The right to execute innocent babies shall not be infringed no matter what science says about when life begins. And as powerful as that is to contemplate in its own right, it becomes all the more compelling if you say it while wearing a pussy hat.

2. If you ever become a florist, a baker, or a nun, just plan on declaring your conscience dead from the get-go. Your God isnt wanted here. But if you must continue to insert a deity into your daily discussions, make sure your golden calf is purple and covered with glitter. Or try Islam, which is basically a get-out-of-jail-free card for pretty much everything. Not only can it magically supply you with more rights as a foreigner than someone whose descendants came over on the Mayflower, but it can also give you a really cool alibi for murder. Thats what one actor/graduate of Marie Harfs jobs program had to say about the natural consequences of Muslims not getting more acting roles: those guilty of such clear Islamophobia will turn to violent jihad as an alternative. So sayeth the religion of peace. Its all about justifiable triggers and safe spaces, really. If you are a Muslim, you get all of them. If you are a Christian, you get zero, and youre a bigot. The Constitution seems clear on that.

3. If you want to make a successful run in the business and/or entertainment world, make sure you avoid things like making money and consistently drawing an audience. Instead, get on board with a project that comes in eight parts and already bores the hell out of, if not outright disturbs, its audience after just one viewing. Because its still a win if it replaces something people actually care about watching during primetime television. Propaganda is fun like that. And if people ever take issue with your ham-fisted tactics, always remember that you have two very powerful weapons in your arsenal to defeat them: temper tantrums and violence. Because tolerance hurts darn it.

4. If you want to be president one day, and defended as bullet proof when accused of possibly wire-tapping your eventual replacement, make sure you lay a solid foundation of unassailable ethical alibis to offer you cover. Like if you like your doctor, you can keep it. Or wiretapping journalists who irritate you. Or making the IRS your rottweiler. Or winking at the sanctity of marriage just to win an election, before turning around and choking the country with your rainbow flag. Or believing you have the most magical pen and phone in the history of America. Or encouraging your secretary of state and national security adviser to lie about how and why people died in Benghazi. See what I mean? Bulletproof. The press will never cut through that curtain of integrity. Not that theyll even try.

5. Finally, if you want to tap into the unlimited potential of being created in the image and likeness of the creator of the universe, things like the Bible and the Declaration of Independence are for suckers. Who on earth would want to be guided by that which so many martyrs died a gruesome death for, or willingly sacrificed their lives, fortunes, and sacred honors? Not when you can be guided by the likes of philosopher kings like Chris Cuomo, Lena Dunham, or Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi D-Calif. (F, 10%). Look how far they are willing to stick their neck out for total depravity and sheer asshattery over and over and over again. So inspiring. In fact, Ive rarely seen such commitment except in Islam.

Unless Im feeling pretty and sick enough in the soul to deny the science dangling between my legs, then I belong on the cover of Vanity Fair. Where I will instantly become a better woman than you could ever hope to be, my daughter.

Have a nice life.

Steve Deace is broadcast nationally each weeknight on CRTV. He is the author of the book A Nefarious Plot.

Read more from the original source:
5 lessons progressives inspired me to teach my teenage daughter - Conservative Review