By ALICE WANG
Ibiza is an endurance test of modern debauchery and capitalist privilege. Having known next to nothing before flitting off to this ultra-cool Balearic Island off the coast of Spain this summer, my week in the Mediterranean sun after a month touring the continent became the ultimate test of human indecency. Now with the season coming to a close, a mountain of press from this summers Bloom-Bieber fisticuffs, Paris Hiltons $30 million in DJ fees on the island and Space Ibiza opening its New York outpost this weekend, it seems this White Isle is commanding headlines everywhere. And after a couple weeks in Ithaca and now that Ruloffs has closed its doors, Dunbars has substantiated itself as one buttery-smelling UTI and Pixel pops off for just fifteen minutes before close a girl thirsts for the veritable theme park-sized mega-clubs of Ibiza. Heres everything you need to know about the lotus-eating lifestyle of this Spanish party paradise.
The Eat-Sleep-Rave-Repeat Lifestyle
A typical day in Ibiza comprises waking up past noon fiending for some sunglasses and Advil only to head straight to any of the islands pristine beaches for a solid session of straight photosynthesizing. The policy on these nude-friendly playas is rays out, baes out, so expect to see titties abound beside the requisite Euro banana hammock population. With sand so white it makes your coke jealous and crystalline waters glittering straight into your light-sensitive eyes, trust me when I say areolae are the least of anyones worries. The setting is ripe for a little Cava to dull the jackhammer thumping away at your head and a quickie pre-festivities nappy nap, before pounding that power-up juice for another night of matchless hedonism.
The Drugs
A single drink in Ibiza will run you about 20 Euro ($26), so unless your bank account wants to be raped and pillaged to reach a state of slightly sloshed, most vacationers prefer substance abuse of another kind. An estimated 40,000 illegal doses are consumed a night in Ibiza, with MDMA, cocaine and ketamine leading the pack. Walk down any street or into any bar and the roadside vendors and bartenders will first ask what youd like to order onthe menu and then whatd you like to order off the menu. Just 10 Euro a pop will buy you a high thatll last half the night. Sometimes, the economical solution is the dangerous solution, especially for an island that serves as an open-air test ground for new and sometimes fatal British synthetics remember that Cannibal drug that left a homeless man in Miami with his face chewed off? And yet, when you walk onto the dance floor, strangers spitting Catalan will lick your finger and dab it in crystals of unknown origins. In the bathroom, women in Louboutins will try to sell you goodies tucked in their clutch bags and bespoke-suited men in VIP, VVIP, and VVVIP sections will pull you across the rope to press something into your palm. But hey, when in Rome, right?
The Mega-clubs
From the moment you step off the airplane into Aeropuerto de Ibiza, you will be confronted by Privilege stores and Amnesia retailers. Mega-clubs here not only dominate nightlife but they also dominate all life. These clubs own luxury resort hotels, yachts, clothing lines, souvenir shops, boat tours, radio shows, etc. Little Spaniard babies run around in itty bitty Pacha onesies covered in the iconic pair of cherries. All public transportation uses these clubs as the main nodes in their daily routes and youll find that restaurant hosts, grocery clerks and even the local barber happen to moonlight as club promoters. And everywhere you go in Ibiza, that fucking oonce-oonce-oonce will follow. You will ride an ATV up to some remote northern cove beaches and stop by a quaint roadside fruit stand that, I kid you not, pumps deep house. Somewhere near your romantic candlelit dinner by the fairy floss sunset, a beat will drop. On the brink of wondrous slumber, a 4/4 drum kicks in your sleep.
The Production
Every night in Ibiza hosts an opening or closing party or a themed production like Pachas Aokis Playhouse or Matinee Amnesia. On these nights, the entire freaky cast of Cirque du Soleil performs sky acrobatics and burlesque dancers writhe in giant champagne flutes on stage. A 100-foot high gorilla sculpture hovers over the DJ booth and a team of Nikita-esque go-go dancers parade on platforms in patent leather bodysuits. Flamethrowers and fog blasters roar periodically throughout the multi-story space and a light show rages on so epic it penetrates dark interiors like the moving laser field scene in Oceans Twelve. There are beach parties, boat parties, pool parties, foam parties and more. Everyday, an EDM mainstay is hosting his residency somewhere, whether its Tiesto, Carl Cox, Pete Tong or Nicky Romero. And despite their large scale, venues can be surprisingly intimate as you greet Solomun with a Rocket Power-style woogie during his set or latch onto Martin Garrixs leg as he stage dives into the crowd. At one point during the night, Guetta is ripping into his crowd favorites ten feet ahead of you and Guettas wife is making out with someone exotic thirty feet behind you.
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WANG | Hedonism in High Demand: One Week in Ibiza