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Hole 3, Par 4

A dogleg left, not Trumps favorite hole: He shanks off the tee into the Sessions Woods, pretends that didnt happen, takes a floating mulligan, and drives down the right side of the fairway. He pulls his six-iron approach into the Manafort bunker. Blasts out into the Kushner trap on the other side of the green. His sand wedge to nine feet is good and he sinks the putt for a triple bogey 7. He marks a 5 What do you think I pay Spicer for?

Hole 4, Par 3

On this downhill short hole over the Russian Collusion Pond, Trump skies his seven-iron and plops it right in the water. Never happened, this is a witch hunt, he says, takes another floating mulligan, and fires a defiant shot to 20 feet from the pin. Holes the putt and records his bogey 4 as a birdie 2. Damn right it was a birdie, just ask Kellyanne about alternative facts.

Hole 5, Par 4

Its prudent to play short here but Trump takes a driver and arrows the ball into the Syrian Tomahawks trap. He cant think what his next shot should be. Opts for an eight-iron and pulls it into the Xi Woods, notorious for their deceptive difficulty. Cannons the ball into a Comey Pine and orders it chopped down immediately. Chips up close and holes for a bogey 5 marked as a par 4. Hillary can delete 33,000 e-mails and I cant delete a shot?

Hole 6, Par 4

Trump drives into the Foggy Bottom bunker, then throws a fit because sand is hard and theres water in it, due to budget cuts. Drops ball out. Calls Jared Kushner for advice. Goes for the green over Merkel Lake but ball disappears into the water and she wont even pay up. Drops out, hits a doozy of a chip (simple as Israel-Palestine) to four feet, but misses putt and hurls putter into the water. Marks his 7 as a par 4. Call it a Kompromat.

Hole 7, Par 3

Takes a six-iron, lands it four feet beyond pin, ball rolls back into hole. Hole in one! I am the most brilliant guy in the history of the universe. Just ask the Saudis. The hole is renamed Al Saud. Saudis underwrite Bedminster to the tune of $500 million over a decade; all Americans of Iranian descent banned.

Hole 8, Par 5

Trump hooks into the Kim Jong-un Wood and vows to burn every tree. Hacks the ball out but, furious at all the foliage, orders United States out of Paris climate accord. His approach is short and lands in the China bunker; takes him three shots to get out. Sinks a long putt for a double bogey 7, which he scores as a 6. Donald Jr. can verify that with advice from Russia.

Hole 9, Par 4

Pulls his drive into the effing Scaramucci rough. Shanks into the Priebus bunker; orders it abolished. Blasts out, calls the Marines to eliminate Scaramucci rough. Sends his approach into the McCain bunker, and decides nuking Pyongyang would be simpler than health care. Blasts out, two putts, for what Trump records as a 4 (in fact a 7). It was really a 3, says the Scaramouch. Werent you watching?

Trump score: 36. Actual score: 53. Audit to follow by Robert Mueller.

More here:
Donald Trump's First Nine Holes - New York Times