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A rare moment of unity in the US election, as Donald Trump marked his return to the White House by gasping along with his detractors. On Monday night, the president puffed up the front staircase of his residence, his face coated in several more gallons of paint than the front elevation of the building. Dont let it dominate your lives, he panted of the virus, a bad case of which tends to dominate your death.

Yet there he was, this hideous kink in the arc of history, giving the most dangerous balcony performance since Michael Jackson had his baby crowdsurf off one. The American people are all Blanket now.

As for the optics, deranged balcony address is certainly a look but not one that tends to end well. How might this version turn out? Unfortunately, its not a question Trumps attention span equips him to answer. His reference points for the form are the occasional three minutes of historical documentaries hes forced to watch while searching his stomach-folds for the TV remote. It feels like he switches over to Fox News before discovering how a whole series of 20th-century balcony stories ended.

Still: dont call him Wussolini. He beat this illness which he still very much has like a man. One of the really manly ones, who takes all the best drugs and leaves everyone else exposed and misled and unprotected. Even so, early reactions to the gasping spectacle suggest the move could only have backfired more if Trump had ascended the front steps via a hastily installed stairlift carrying a pack of adult diapers.

Once hed wheezed through the unpleasantries, all that remained was to remove his mask and set about infecting any remaining staff yet to be exposed to his droplets. Think of Trump as the 83rd Airborne, parachuting his deadly particles deep into butlers respiratory systems. He wont give you a Purple Heart, but he might give you purple lungs.

Alas, its disappointing to find potential victims failing to feel grateful for the opportunity. One current secret service agent assigned to the first familys detail expressed frustration, telling CNN: Were not disposable. Two housekeeping staff have already tested positive for the virus. As the events of the past week show, the presidents respect for human life is so low that he is willing to send an entire army of servants into 14-day isolation or worse in order to keep up a steady stream of trans-fats being fed to him. Dying in the line of duty used to mean taking a bullet for the president; it could now involve taking him a Diet Coke. Thank you for your drinks service.

As for how Trump spent the rest of his evening, I assume it was straight on to the monstrous leaders WhatsApp to josh with the other bros about how they kill their underlings. RocketmanKim loves a firing squad, Vlad69s a huge chemicals guy, but Trump just clears his throat while being brought his fourth burger of the day. Boom! I cough on them like a bitch! When youre famous you can do that.

Face it, hes absolutely bossing the likes of Kim and Xi and MBS in the fantasy evildoer leagues. Its not that the other guys dont have lethal motorcades and abysmal interiors taste and balcony addresses and death cults and doctors who mislead the world. But doing them in a democracy well, that makes it triple points.

Speaking of physicians who really need to heal themselves, what a striking misinformation campaign its been from presidential medic Sean Conley, who has been continually obfuscating about Trumps condition since calling his symptoms mild, only for even the White House to contradict him. For me, thats the new low. Of course, we now expect the president of the United States to lie as default to tell us black is white, or up is down, or to claim he never said something hes on camera saying. But for a professional and senior doctor to mislead apparently without remorse shows how necrotic the body politic has become, from the very top down. The lying, the reality-denying is not a one-off case its the other epidemic.

In fact, its kind of amazing that conspiracy theorists have lined up so supportively behind Trump, when hes really the most convincing proof yet of all their worst fears. The Man really is lying to them, he really is wicked, and he really does want to kill them. The damning evidence is right there in front of everyone. Only, instead of begging Oliver Stone to make a film about it, they want to give Trump a second term.

Like me, you probably hate to see a conspiracist wimp out of their beliefs just when its coming up roses for them. Its as if the moon landing hoaxers were signing over their life savings to Nasa, or the flat Earthers booking a round-the-world ticket. So come on, guys back yourselves! After all, if not now, then when?

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

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After Donald Trump's deranged balcony address, we're all gasping together - The Guardian