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We have developed an expansive understanding of trauma, from acute to childhood to systemic and intergenerational.

Each knowledge base validates the existence of distinct, human developmental needs and reminds us we cant discount the needs of identity or group belonging any more than an infants need for a secure attachment to a caregiver. When we neglect to understand and support authentic experience, identity and story, the evidence of harm is compelling. So where does this leave us in the quagmire of identity politics and culture wars?

After teaching on these subjects for many years, I have developed some ideas about the culture wars not commonly found in our literature.

Decades ago, I learned about the right-wrong impasse from relationship expert Harville Hendrix. This term refers to a mindset in which people disagree and lock up, and relationships break down. Realizing this happens on every relational level between friends, families, communities and nations was a revelation, but it did not account for the importance of power dynamics. Simply put, it isnt enough to strive for mutual respect in our differences where power differences or abuses go unacknowledged and unchanged.

Understanding the need to address power inequities is critical, but we must also strive to support basic human developmental tasks beyond ego fulfillment. Consider a child who develops a sense of mastery or competence in a talent or skill. If that child does not also learn strategies for self-care, how to serve on a team or how to apply their ability for the greater good, they are left with an ego-based sense of achievement. Similarly, when we foster personal or group identity without a broader sense of social conscience and awareness, we can only empower our identities to an ego-based degree. From this place, we are more apt to reap the negative consequences of ego-based relations, such as tribalism, culture divides and culture wars.

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So, what can we do?

There is no need to associate with oppressive groups and people, but if we are not encouraged to actively develop relationships with people from outside groups, these culture wars are no great spiritual mystery. We are actively creating our dilemmas. And while its easy at times to point a finger at the toxic activism in others, what really matters is the ability to discern this kind of exploitation from our own.

Some good questions to ask oneself are: Do my community members and leaders speak truth without disparaging remarks? Do they engage in polarization or dehumanizing language and tactics? And most importantly, do they encourage us toward relationships with outsiders, not to be confused with acts to convert or control them?

One lie of the culture wars is that we cannot co-exist. Another is that we will be stripped of our identities and values through exposure to those who are different. These lies can feel real because those who operate from ego-based group promotion can willfully drive the divide. Often, they encourage us to focus solely on negative people or encounters in order to rationalize our negative stereotypes, while neglecting to encourage a deeper understanding from the perspective of the outsiders.

Using discernment, we can remove ourselves from ego-based infighting without ceasing to support our disenfranchised groups. We can also remind ourselves that ego-based victories are short-lived. More often they act like a pendulum, creating a negative force of momentum that hurts or knocks out the opposition, but in time, they swing back to harm our own.

One of the best things we can do to foster diversity free of ego is to look inward for change within ourselves. In my classes, students are tasked to conduct scholarly, empirical investigations on the histories of unfamiliar groups, but they are also tasked to interview aspirational members and leaders, and to connect with those members in the safety of their respective communities. Through activities like these, they form a realistic optimism and deeper understanding of human relations, where so many others remain stagnant.

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Direct experience can teach us that our different identities cultural, political, sexual, national or religious are often not the heart of these issues. Regardless of background or belief, there is no unsafe person to connect with or learn from who commits to engage from a higher place. Some describe that place as one of higher intention, conscience or consciousness. In my words, it combines the highest wisdom of our soul with the purest love in our heart. The research shows this is where diversity thrives, and where those with divergent identities find solutions and common ground.

Lamar Muro is an associate professor of counseling and development at Texas Womans University in Denton.

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Commentary: Reaching beyond the front lines of the culture wars - San Antonio Express-News