Parents: Here’s how to talk to your kids about sex in the age of social media – NorthJersey.com
This the thirdin a series on teens, sex and social media. The series also looks at how social media has changed the way teens learn about, and engage in, sex, and the practice among young adults of choking during sex.
With smartphones tucked away in their pockets, young people now have easy access to the internet and all its dark corners, including pornographic images and videos showing a gamut of sexual behavior.
So, what should parents do about it?
First, they should realize that even with parental controls and filters that block pornography, tech-savvy teens may still be able to find and view sexually-explicit content on web pages and social media platforms.
Students also are unlikely to hear about online pornography, and the risks associated with it, at school, where sex education curriculum is limited if it is required at all. Thats why experts urge parents to talk to their children and make sure theyre getting the right information at home.
Young people are curious about sex and sexuality because they are not getting comprehensive sex education in school, said Dan Rice, interim executive director of Answer, a national sexual education organization based at Rutgers University. So, for young people, [the internet] is how a lot of them are seeking out their answers.
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Just 24 states, including New Jersey, make it mandatory for schools to teach sex education.
New Jersey became one of the first states to require comprehensive sex education in schools in 1981. Districts typically focus on basics like abstinence, contraception and sexually transmitted diseases.
Not until this year did New Jersey adopt a law that requires school districts to teach lessons on consentin grades 6 to 12. The law requires schools to teach that consent is required before physical contact or sexual activity, to teach about the right to say no, and to discuss respecting others' rightto say no.
States do not require discussions about online sexual content except for New Jersey and California, which require lessons specifically about sexting, or the practice of sending sexually explicit photos, messages, or videos via electronic device.
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Otherwise, its unlikely that the topic will be discussed at all in the classroom.
There are not many teachers who will bring up sexually explicit content in the classroom because of fear for their job, Rice said. If they dont have a curriculum or policy [that covers it], theyre not going to talk about it.
In recent interviews, college students said their high school sex education classes fell short of answering their questions.
My sex education was a list of vocabulary words with terms like gonorrhea and definitions like a type of STD' not what it does, how you can contract it or the fact that it goes away, said Tori DAmico, a 19-year-old college student.
Her high school focused on teaching kids about abstinence, and she said she did not get lessons on safe sex or consent. She described the environment as fear-mongering, comparing it to the scenein the movie Mean Girls where the gym teacher tells students, Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die.
The story continues below the video.
When sex education is provided in schools, it tends to focus on topics like anatomy, the physiology of how people get pregnant, and abstinence, said EmilyRothman, a professor at Boston Universitys School of Public Health who has conducted several studieson porn use by adolescents.
Teachers dont necessarily focus on the dynamics of how people communicate or sexual orientation or what you might enjoy sexually that isnt part of sex education in school, she said.
Just over half ofsurveyed students reported their sex education classes to be useful, according toNew Jerseys Sex Ed Report Card, a report released in December by the Thrive NJ Coalition, a group of parents, community members and advocates. More than 60 percent of surveyed parents gave sex education at their kids' schools as a C.
In the report, the coalitionrecommendedthat New Jersey schools remove the requirement that teachers stress abstinence and failure rates of contraceptives, andexpand teacher training.
The report also notedthat the quality of sex education varies widely among districts and called for the state to createa database of sex education materials and to monitor and assess what's taught in classrooms.
Young people may seek out sexual content online because they are curious, or they may find it by accident, Rice said. As a marketing ploy, some companies will even buy domain names with words that young people may use as search terms.
Parents who find out that a child has seen explicit material should not panic, he said, noting that the young person may also feel anxious about what he or she has seen.
Dont yell at them, he said. Dont freak out, because you dont want to send the message that they cant come to you with questions, because there are going to be other important things they want to talk to you about. You dont want to shut the door.
Parents can start the conversation by asking questions such as:
Parents should explain to their children that what they are seeing is edited adult entertainment that often does not reflect reality, Rice added.
They dont realize the bodies they are seeing and the behaviors they are seeing are not typical," he said. "So, the impact can be poor self-esteem, poor body esteem and unrealistic expectations of what a sexual relationship might look like."
Some parents may find it difficult to talk to their children about sex and consent. Rothmans advice is for parents to open a conversation in a non-judgemental way focused on consent, respect and healthy relationships.
I think itsgood if parents can learn to do it, to coach kids that they should be able to communicate about what they want, tocommunicatethat good sex involves a lot of trust and respect in being comfortable enough to tell somebody what you like and dont like, she said.
Parents may worry that talking about sex and sexuality will encourage young people to have sex. But studies have shown that teens who report talking with their parents about sex are more likely to delay having sex and to use condoms when they do have sex, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Parents should also keep in mind that when teens seek outinformation online, it may not be reliable or a complete picture. Theyshould also find outwhere their child is getting information and whether it's factually and medically accurate, the CDC recommends.
Experts say it's key that conversations about sex and sexuality begin at an early age and that they are nota one-time occasion. Parents can start bygiving correct names for body parts and talking about consent, Rice explained.
There is no such thing as 'the talk,' Rice said. You cant have one conversation and expect that will be it. As they grow and develop, they are going to have different questions in their lives.
If we normalize talking about those things at an early age," he said, "it will be more likely that young people will feel comfortable going to parents when they do have questions.
Staff writers Lindy Washburn,CatherineCarrera, Jessie Gomez and Anthony Zurita contributed to this story.
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Parents: Here's how to talk to your kids about sex in the age of social media - NorthJersey.com